Finding Consistency
I haven’t written here for a while the last few months. I’ve been figuring some things out.
You see, I don’t think I really deserve the right to post here.
I write a lot of stuff on my blog that I really believe in, but then don’t live them in real life. When I write here, I can feel free to express myself. I can post my crazy continuously-morphing ideas about what it really means to actually follow Jesus and not just be another pretender in the Christian sub-culture. But I don’t usually live those ideas out.
I am a poser.
Actually, I bet blogging lends itself to people doing this type of thing a lot. Living their life one way but then only expressing what they really think on a blog, often anonymously… safely. As though its an outlet. A place to say what you really think. It’s really quite cowardly.
I’ve been thinking a lot about consistency lately.
I am a male, and as such I tend to compartmentalise my life. In my head my life is neatly split up into roles as a friend, professional, son, brother, blogger, hiker, Christian, etc. In each of these roles, I act differently. This is true of most people. In a way it is a good thing, because if I am being a bad blogger, I can at least take comfort in the fact that I am a good hiker. People who don’t compartmentalise (read: females) don’t get the same luxury.
But I am sick of being a different person in different social situations.
Information Technology is having a significant effect on social interactions. Before facebook, I could very easily put on a different mask around different people. I can be deeply passionate around my social justice friends, cold and professional at work, and cool in social situations. On facebook I have one profile (read: mask) that I must show to everyone. What do I do?
It makes the fake-ness of everything so much more tangible.
The thing I care about most in the world is the fact that Jesus died on a bloody cross and us Christians act as though he did it so that we could attend a Sunday church service. We don’t think Jesus meant what he said. We forget that he lives in “the least of these” and casually – easily – direct all our spiritual attention towards heaven where our faith is kept safely private.
Forget the fact that people are dying, I’m going to wilfully engage in this sinful economy. Forget that people are committing suicide, I am only going to engage them if they are in my socio-economic class and meet me on my turf during an “outreach” and they wont swear or have access to alcohol. I’ll keep buying cosmetics and cool clothes to be beautiful even though it reinforces the lie that their are people in this world who are ugly. I’ll strive to be one of the cool people, even when others are lonely. Because I don’t care about other people or the fact that they have Christ living in them. I only care about the Christ living in heaven. That Jesus is so much less challenging.
I believe that Jesus is the person who I despise the most. Hence, I believe that if I really love Jesus, then I need to serve the people I hate.
I also believe that my greatest need isn’t cosmic fire insurance, but a relationship with Jesus, who happens to live in the people I hate.
And I don’t believe that I am suppose to live my life for the purpose of self gratification and personal power when my king has a crown of thorns and washes people’s feet – rather than a fancy suit and an election campaign.
I go from church to church hoping to find somewhere that “gets it.” But all I find is Christians who put so much energy into running the church, but none into serving the rejects and oppressed in our society. I want to change that so much. It’s like watching a train wreck.
But it is easy to say this on a blog. It’s so much harder to live it.
My job is to make software for the electricity market. It’s intellectually stimulating, and the pace is invigorating when not overwhelming. But I don’t give a rats arse about the electricity market. I’m making software that helps rich people get richer. It’s not very consistent with my beliefs.
Similarity, when my Christian friends reduce following Jesus to a bunch of ridiculous superstitions aimed at increasing their prosperity, I am so often willing to just shut up rather than actually say something.
And as for my family (I am still single, so I mean my parents and brother), they are unfortunate casualties of the current state of Christianity, and haven’t been actively involved in Christian circles for many years. I often moderate my convictions around them.
My core passions and beliefs are so often decimated by the expectations of others.
I don’t want to live like that.
I’m struggling to figure this out.
