Army of Priests

From foreign correspondents.

In what experts are describing as the “worst atrocity of our time” 30,0000 children died today from starvation caused by insufficient access to affordable food or easily curable medical aliments such as diarrheal and parasites. This sudden, and unexpected death toll has been explained as being due to continually rising food costs compounding existing economic conditions such as the low value of labour, unequal access to international markets and the enforced privatisation of natural resources.

Whilst rescue efforts get underway, we are being warned that the starvation is set to continue, with at least tomorrow expected to have a similar death toll. Families are being warned to stock canned goods to treat the sudden onset of hunger.

Global Extent of the crisis

Observers describe the hunger attacks as being sporadic, yet unrelenting. It has taken several children from some families yet left others untouched. Confused parents have been left helpless as they desperately tried to gather enough food to protect themselves from the onslaught.

The epicentre of the crisis is located in central Africa – Ethiopia, Uganda, Zaire, Kenya, and Zimbabwe being amongst the countries with the highest death tolls. Other hotspots include Mongolia, Afghanistan and Burma. However, moderate levels of starvation attacks are occuring on almost every continent. Venezuela, India, Papua New Guinea, Iraq and Yemen being examples that standout in their parts of the world. National travel advisories are warning against all travel to the most affected regions.

So far, countries dominated by white, Anglo-Saxon populations seem to have been mostly unaffected by this event. Scientists are unsure if this is because they have a natural immunity to starving to death, or if environmental factors are at play. All citizens on Earth are warned to be weary.

World leaders convene for emergency summit

In the wake of this unimaginably massive catastrophe the G8 has convened an emergency summit to discuss urgent relief efforts. Ahead of the summit, to take place in an as yet unnamed small European city, law makers in the United States and Britain have already discussed politely asking recipients of last years bailouts for their trillions of dollars back. Opposition leaders have described the lack of funds available due to the handouts in the wake of the GFC as being due to the “short-slightness of elected officials.” In response, the White House has released a statement stating, “No one could have possibly predicted the deaths of ten of thousands of children due to starvation at the time of the financial crisis. Hindsight always offers 20/20 vision.”

Furthermore, leaders have promised to find and bomb whoever is responsible.

International media coverage

International coverage of the crisis has been swift with many TV broadcasters cancelling their normal schedule to bring updated information on the crisis as it develops.

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