Army of Priests

From foreign correspondents.

In what experts are describing as the “worst atrocity of our time” 30,0000 children died today from starvation caused by insufficient access to affordable food or easily curable medical aliments such as diarrheal and parasites. This sudden, and unexpected death toll has been explained as being due to continually rising food costs compounding existing economic conditions such as the low value of labour, unequal access to international markets and the enforced privatisation of natural resources.

Whilst rescue efforts get underway, we are being warned that the starvation is set to continue, with at least tomorrow expected to have a similar death toll. Families are being warned to stock canned goods to treat the sudden onset of hunger.

Global Extent of the crisis

Observers describe the hunger attacks as being sporadic, yet unrelenting. It has taken several children from some families yet left others untouched. Confused parents have been left helpless as they desperately tried to gather enough food to protect themselves from the onslaught. Read more…

The parable of the Minas in Luke 19:11-27 is, in my opinion, one of the most misunderstood parables of the bible due to the heavy cultural meaning and subtle references to actual historical events. I have even heard Christians use this parable to advocate against helping the poor! I have tried to modernised this passage in a way that gets across the message that I think Jesus was trying to send. Read it bellow and give me your thoughts:

Jesus told a parable, because his audience (made up mostly of poor, oppressed labourers) had seen all his actions over the last few days, and were expecting him to immediately launch a political campaign in revolt against the ruling elite. Jesus thought he would remind them what usually happens when revolutions are fought the normal way:

An owner or a third world textiles business went to the nation’s capital to help his preferred political party get into power and then return. Summoning ten of his managers, he gave them each a factory to oversee and ordered them, “Engage in business until I return”.

But his employees hated him and sent the union to petition the government against the reforms that the business owner wanted.

When he returned, having helped his political allies get power, he called his managers to report to him, so he would know what profit they had made.

The first came and reported that he had lowered the workers wages from 4c to 3c an hour, and made them work 16 hours a day instead of 14. He had also reduced breaks, and denied workers help when they got injured. As a result his factory had increased it’s output by 30% – an excellent return.

The business owner was very pleased. “Well done, my astute manager,” he said, “I will promote you so that you can implement these improvements in 9 more factories.”

“The second came to him and reported that he had run the factory the way the business owner would – long hours, horrible conditions, and low pay. Thus he had maintained the factory’s consistent, healthy profit. The business owner was still pleased, and put the manager in charge of 5 factories.

Then a third manager made his report. He said to the business owner, “Here, have your factory back! My conscience would not let me implement your cruel practises because you are a severe man. I sent the workers on a holiday instead! You take what you did not deposit, you reap what you did not sow, and you are stealing the life out of these people.”

The business owner was furious. “You fool! Pay attention to your own words, you inefficient and worthless manager. So you know that through my cunning I have taken what I have not deserved. So what? You should have at least not paid the workers you sent home – that way they would go hungry and be willing to accept even lower wages when I took them back. Take the factory from his control, and give it to the manager that runs 10 factories.”

“He already runs ten factories!” Noted his accountant.

“That’s the point,” said the business owner. “We make sure that whoever is rich always gets richer and the poor always get poorer.

“Now bring these employees who petitioned against the policies I wanted. I got the government to outlaw unionisation. They’ll all be thrown in jail for trying to be so subversive.”

Friday, 6th June

Dear Diary,

I have found some servants. Finally that miserable attendant brought some humans willing to sell themselves to me. Whoever owns that man should really punish him, or at least show him some ads for other occupations because he really is NOT good at sales. I had to wait for a whole 12 days 4 hours and 19 minutes since arriving at the store.

Unfortunately for me my new servants are clumsy things. They almost stumbled when they were caring me out of my car. But, on the upside, when they took me into my castle and removed my bondages they were enamoured by my beauty and size. This should make it easier to control them.

Read more…

He was bloody.

A death blow had been struck against his chest and he stumbled along in the streets – grabbing light poles and chairs to keep himself steady. Onlookers watched with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. If only he hadn’t been fooling around, they thought. They knew they were better than him.

Finally, as he collapsed and was near his end, an elderly man grabbed him firmly and commanded, “No. You are not sick.” The gentleman then took a bandage made of fine linen from the far away deserts of Denial and wrapped him firmly. In a few minutes the wounded man was fine again, and stood up as if by miracle.

Why is everyone standing around? The onlookers thought. There’s nothing to see here. He never did look that bad to me. Thus the wounded man went about his life for a few days with no problem. There never really was a problem after all. The man chided himself for being such a hypochondriac.

But no matter how much he willed it he never could quite mentally block out the niggling pain and after a few days some blood started seeping through the fabric the gentleman had given him. So the next day he decided to go down to the megacenter on Greed Street and get himself a new and improved bandage.

Read more…

Once upon a time there lived a king. This king was very great and very wise. He was noble, loving, and very powerful. One day he thought to himself “I shall make myself a beautiful garden that shall encompass all the things I love.”

And so a garden was made. It was very big for the King had lots of land. It contained every kind of wild flower and tree organised into beautiful patterns. It had exotic animals of every description and mountains and canyons to fill in the landscape. When the garden was finished the King thought it was good and was glad that he had made it.

Now, the bachelor son of the king loved to play in the garden. He would capture and ride the stallions. He would paint the flowers. He would camp on mountain peaks. However, he was alone. The King thought to himself, “I must find the prince a beautiful princess so that he can get married and enjoy sharing his life with someone.”

So the King found and presented a beautiful princess to the prince and it was love at first sight. The two would spend countless hours playing in the garden. They would explore dark undergrowths. They would climb great trees. They enjoyed each other’s company extravagantly and grew to love each other intimately.

One day however, whilst the princess was alone, she was approached by one of the King’s servants. “The prince is holding something back from you,” he said, “In a corner of the garden he has hidden a beautiful jewel that he does not wish to share with you.”

“But the prince loves me and would never keep anything from me,” the princess replied.

“You precious child,” replied the servant, “Do you not see this garden and this kingdom? Do you think someone of your calibre is truly fit for one like our prince? Follow me and I shall show you that what I have said is true.” And for a moment the princess doubted all that she knew about the prince and his intentions, so she followed the servant.

The servant led her through a maze in the hedges and to a place the princess had never seen. Then he pointed towards the base of a fruit tree. The princess ducked down and looked where the servant was pointing, but as she did so the servant attacked her and tied her up.

Latter the prince came into the garden looking for his bride-to-be but could not find her. “Where are you?” he called. But the reply was only a snicker. The prince turned towards the sound and saw the servant leaning against the wall.

“For so long you have ordered us thinking you are better than us. I know that you are nothing special. I am just as good as your king. We are sick of your orders and have taken your bride as hostage.”

The prince grew furious, “Who are you to challenge our nobility?” He demanded, “My father shall punish you, but in the meantime I shall rescue my princess.”

And so the prince left the palace grounds on a quest to rescue the princess. He marched over great deserts and swam through wide rivers. He navigated dark forests and ran across wide plains. Eventually he found where the disobedient servants had hidden her. The place was a great dark castle and the princess was locked in the highest tower. Around the castle was burning lava and as the prince walked he heard the roar of a beast.

The prince approached the tower, desperate to free the princess. As he approached he saw the remains of another knight the king has sent out. Sir Law lay in ruins. Without fear the prince continued on towards the tower.

Just as he almost reached the base of the building he caught sight of the beast. It was a great dragon, many stories tall. It had ten horns upon ten heads. It had teeth longer than his skull. Its claws were as thick as his sword. It stank so strong the prince could barely breathe and its nostrils were filled with smoke from the fire in its belly. It wore armour several inches wide and on the breastplate was written “Sin” – the name of the beast.

The beast had been placed there to keep the beauty trapped and as it spotted the prince with its piercing eyes he knew he would have to fight. The prince did not fear but rather he drew his sword. “You shall not stop me!” the prince cried. With that the beast rose upon its hind legs and as it came down it shot a massive ball of fire at the prince who rolled to dodge it by just an inch. The prince ran around a corner feeling the heat on his back. The beast was quick to follow, the scales of its tail tearing bricks as they brushed the tower.

As the beast turned the corner the prince leapt upon its foot and stabbed his sword deep into its flesh. The beast fowled and shook his foot high into the air but the prince held on as tight as he could. Then the foot fell to the ground and the prince collapsed as the sword was thrown away. As the prince got back up the foot rose and kicked him several metres back to the ground. Its nail slashed across the prince’s cheek drawing blood from deep into his flesh.

Before the prince had landed the dragon rose it’s other foot and bought it thundering down onto him. The prince rolled just before it handed sending dust into his face. The prince looked up into the belly of the best just as its foot came crashing down upon him again this time catching the hair on the head the prince had only barely moved. The prince grabbed hold of the foot again and as the dragon raised it he climbed upon the dragon’s leg; stabbing between the scales with a dagger he pulled from his clock.

The beast roared in anger and thrust itself against the tower. The tower began to crack and the princess screamed as it slowly tilted on its axis. The price held on to the beast and leapt for the armour of it’s back in an attempt to hold on high in the air as the breast threw itself around. The beast turned its heads on its long necks and began to bite for the prince who narrowly dodged its great teeth. The prince fell off its back as he dodged and only just grabbed the breast plate with one hand as he struggled to hold himself high above the ground.

The beast rose on two legs and started striking its chest with its powerful claws. The prince only narrowly dodged the tremendous blows. But the prince held on. Then suddenly a great crack in the earth was heard and the prince looked down. The beast had stood to close to the cliff and was about to fall into the fire. The beast saw its mistake and tried to turn but the ground fell apart and the beast and the prince fell down towards the hot magma.

The princess was looking out the window and was terrified as she saw her prince fall into the abyss. She ran out of the tower (for it was now safe) and peered over the edge of the crevasse. Her lover had come for her, but he had died in the battle. She wept. She thought of how she had doubted the prince’s character back in the garden and how that had now led to his death. She thought of all the things she had done since then, thinking the prince would not come for her.

Just then a hand appeared from over the edge and the prince rose from the deep. He had just caught the rocks during the fall. He was tattered and bleeding. He bore the painful scares of the battle. He crawled to the princess in her tears and he asked her, “Princess, will you be my wife?”

The princess looked back at the prince and she told him, “Why would you want me? I believed what your servant Lucifer said about me. I thought you would never come after me for what I did and so I did many things in the tower that you would not approve of. I drank and entertained many evil men and, in my hopelessness, gave in to every desire.”

The prince looked upon the princess and he told her, “I know you are dirty now. I know you need a clean. I know you have given in to the evil enemy. But I also know that you are the same beautiful woman I danced with in the garden. I know you hair is the same hair I would watch blow in the wind. I know your eyes are the same eyes that would watch the sunset with me. We can clean you and heal you. I have travel far to save you. I have beaten the beast and paid for you with my blood. I carry the scars that you cost me. You are my reward for what I have done. I have a beautiful palace and a great garden. Will you enjoy it with me or have you fallen in love with another? What more can I do to convince you that I love you and that I am worthy of your affection?”

After those words the princess cried and the prince held her. “I cannot believe that you would still want me,” she sobbed, “but who am I to doubt you again. Yes, I will marry you.”

And so the prince and princess returned to the kingdom. There Lucifer and the evil servants were punished and a great feast was held for the wedding. And they lived happily ever after.

The prince’s name was “Jesus”. The princess’ name is up to you.